hopefully a little perspective...

A friend recently e-mailed me asking for some perspective to be better able to help a friend whose husband had died. I thought I would post my response to her and maybe help others looking for perspective.
Disclaimer: everyone experiences loss differently. This is how it was for me.

What helped:

• Knowing I was being prayed for
• Cards, phone messages and e-mails
• Hearing people share memories about Adam, regardless if I knew them or not
• Being able to talk about Adam when I wanted to
• Being able to not talk about Adam when I didn't want to
• Having time to sleep and be alone
• Connecting with other young widows
• Taking part in a Grief Share course. (I highly recommend this course, as it deals with grief from not just a spiritual point of view, but also a practical and psychological perspective.) 
• Crying (for me, this meant alone with God, not with others)
• Laughing (I remember how ironic Lauren and I found the amount of food that was delievered to the house the weekend after he died. We kept thinking, none of us have appetites at this time, and the only one that could have eaten so much, had just died. It was morbid, but for the two of us, funny.)
• It helped me to know a timeline for my grief. (In a traumatic death the grieving lasts about 3 years- naturally there is still a grief from the loss that remains after this time, especially on holidays or other special days. The first three months are the hardest, the 6th month is for some reason a bit easier, and then the rest of the first year is really difficult.)
• Attention, especially later in the year after Adam died, when the initial rush of sympathy from every one was over.

What did not help:

• People telling me they understood my pain (unless they were married to Adam, they did not understand)
• Being told it was okay to cry (I knew this, and did cry, but am a pretty private person and was not going to cry in front of/with every one I talked with)
• All the books I got. It was well intentioned, and I did read some books, but ones I found on my own.
• Being told God was near/had a plan/knew this would happen/would take care of me/ etc. I knew God was holding me. I never questioned if God was still there or in control or if I believed in Him. If anything, I could feel Him like never before and did not need nor want others to try to defend my faith for me. Of course I had many variations of the 'why' question for God, but my faith in Him was not in jeopardy. 
• Being constantly asked "How are you?". I kinda thought that was a silly question, considering.

What I was feeling/thinking:

• The first few weeks I was pretty numb to the pain. I was sad and hurting, but remember thinking I should be sadder or hurting more. My counselor called this a 'heavenly antiseptic', not shock, and that's pretty much what it felt like, like God was protecting me from the initial pain, because it would just be too much for me right away. For me this time lasted about three weeks, after which I began to feel the hurt, and I say hurt because it really did hurt. 
• I was very very tired. 
• God was good.
• God was with me.
• I knew I was still going overseas. I am pretty sure people thought I was not thinking clearly, or wanted to hold onto Adam by doing this, which greatly annoyed me since God had been leading me towards foreign missions before Adam came into my life. At the same time, I was glad that GEM made me wait a year before I made any final decision. 
• I was grieving not only that I had lost Adam but that I had lost the life I thought I was going to live. Children with him (maybe children ever), serving together, having a best friend, being married, and all the other changes that occurred in my life the moment he died.

I feel like I need to add another disclaimer. After most people lose someone, they have some time given to them to grieve, but need to get back to 'life as usual' whether they are ready to or not. I did not have to do that. The grief was not easy, but practically speaking, my life was pretty easy at that time. That to say, others may need much more practical help than what I needed.


Hope this was perspective giving.